Don't go see a Vivaldi opera.  Save time and money, and get the same effect:

• Put "The Four Seasons / Spring" on, and get about a 60-second clip going on loop, for 3 solid hours.

• Set up some toys for young children in a circle in front of you -- all colors, different types of doll clothing, funny faces.

• Sit still in a small chair until the 3 hour clock runs out.

After 1 hour and 20 minutes, the Il Giustino performers all moved offstage by paddling a fake boat, singing and smiling happily at the audience.  Was this the end?  I really hoped so.  But they did no curtain calls, so I was confused.  I went to the lobby and watched to see if people were getting their coats and leaving, or not.

Not.  We went back in and sat down for more of this, and it hardly changed.  I thought about how I might have taken my chance to escape.

Ninety more minutes.  The harpsichord jangled repetitiously, like an alarm that no one would turn off.  Sometimes they had a trumpet.  The interesting thing was that someone down there was playing an instrument that I could see, but not identify -- looked like the back end of a primitive fishing pole, held up a good 4 feet above the orchestra pit.

The singers showed up in funny dresses, funny hats, funny shoes.  A soprano, a couple of mezzos, and TWO contra-tenors, all singing beautifully and smoothly, all at essentially the same pitch.  And supported by the harpsichord, which might have had the upper and lower registers cut off, because there wasn't much range to this ching-ching-a-chang stuff it kept doing, on and on and on.

Some kids kept walking on, playing with balls and a tricycle.  The leading soprano entered the stage on a razor scooter.  Everyone pointed bows and arrows at their enemies, but some guards showed up with machine guns.  Gods descended from the ceiling on a cloud. 

Six men brought out three mats and did judo moves, then left.  During one aria, a child came onstage and painted a convincing picture of a bird, which then was pulled up into the rafters.  Some people wore yellow rain slickers. Some of the men wore boxer shorts and running shoes. Most of the women wore shiny high-heeled boots. 

In one of the two pants roles, we had a woman singer, playing a man, who must disguise as a woman to pursue his lady love in the castle.  Having made it inside the castle, he has to change clothes in front of her, and accidentally displays a penis which I guess was taped to the men's shorts, but he hid everything from the lady. OK.

The harpsichord (and sometimes the trumpets) played on and on.  I guess it was an actual score, because the conductor kept turning pages, but man, this could be done by a couple of motorized hurdy-gurdys.

About an hour in, a radical change: one tenor appeared and sang -- what a relief.

I got the story -- the castle was overtaken by the enemies, then the enemies were thwarted, then everyone became friends.

Everyone in the audience but me seemed to love it.  They clapped enthusiastically at all the pauses, laughed at the amusing parts, and applauded through two full showings of the enormous cast during the curtain calls.

The notes say "Almost one hundred imaginative, contrasting arias and recitatives are included in the score."  I say, maybe, but to me almost one hundred of them sounded about the same.

Also, "The opera was composed for the 1724 carnival season."  OK, so if people at the carnival just dropped by to listen to a song or two, they would hear some good stuff.  Taken a few minutes at a time, there is an appealing tune here and there.  But 3 hours -- very uncomfortable.

And that wraps up my week, because I have decided not to go to Coronation of Poppea tonight.

1. Wednesday evening: Fidelio, at the newer opera house.   Kind of an odd setting here, but nothing can detract from the great ending, the celebration of Leonora's rescue of her beloved husband, and the fact that the opera as a whole sounds a bit like variations on the 4th movement of Beethoven's 9th Symphony - all the way through.

2. Thursday evening: Nabucco, almost the same seat, same opera house.  I do believe that I could enjoy listening to this whole thing without the stage or the English.  Verdi is an unmatchable genius.  Yet the audience here applauded politely for about 8 seconds at each of the major pauses, including the knockout presentation of "Va Pensiero" -- maybe that stunning choral piece got a polite 12 seconds, but no thought of a traditional encore.

3. Friday evening: the exquisite older opera house, worth a visit just to look and take pictures.  And to get brotwurst and beer at the adjoining Christmas market.  (I skipped the beer because, well, you know, I am 67 and was about to go into a long opera.)  This is a venue that you want to go to for something solid and memorable.  Not dazzling wigs and stuff, with the music hammering at you full-tilt like semi-automatic bagpipe drones.

4. Saturday evening: Poppea.  But no.  This one is 75 years older than Giustino, and rated at 3 hrs 45 minutes, including intermission. I would have returned to the hotel at 23:30 or midnight, then set out to the airport at 4:30.  

Too bad, because Poppea is the one I first noticed in Berlin, and the reason I stayed here through Saturday night.  But now, I think the odds that I will find it truly appealing are down to about 15% after my "ancient music, ancient humor" experience of last night. 

Back in Chicago Sunday afternoon.  Missions accomplished.